A Vegan Jedi
We here at YouNerded teamed up with Rebel Broadcast Network to see if we could get an exclusive insider interview with the one and only, Luke Skywalker. His agent tells us that he’s been away from the camera for some time and that we should temper our expectations going in.
As I made the few lightyear journeys to Luke’s location, which I am not allowed to reveal, I had some time to think. What would it feel like returning to the fame and the glory after so many years of being reclusive? Does Luke still possess those same badass Jedi skills? Could I potentially beat him in a push up contest now that he’s old? While I didn’t go on to get answers to all of these, I did get answers to most. I also got some information I was probably better off not knowing.
What follows below is the transcript of my interview with Luke. C3PO was kind enough to make us coffee while we sat on a grassy knoll. Well I sat; Luke more, like, levitated.
Colin Kolhoven: First of all, Luke I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with us for awhile. I know you must be very busy and it is truly an honor to be seated next to such a badass jedi.
Luke Skywalker: (Slightly Chuckles) Of course, man. All groovy here. Glad I could be of……
Colin: (I wait 10 seconds politely) Of assistance?
Luke: Yeah man, that’s the one.
Colin: Well you are, and thank you again. This coffee is delicious by the way.
Luke: Thanks, dude. Yeah, we cultivate the beans off of Dagobah and have them express shipped over here. Han used to do it for me for a while, but Rey’s taken over for him now.
Colin: Yes, we were all so sorry to hear about Han. I know you two were close. But it’s good that you have Rey, right? Must be nice to have someone to talk to and train after all these years.
Luke: Hey now, man! I’m not training her, okay, I’m just showing her the… uh… the uh… ways of the force. You know, teaching her to open up her mind and to just clear her thoughts—stuff like that.
Colin: So you’re not training her in combat or in using a lightsaber?
Luke: (Luke grabs a small pouch from his cloak and pulls out a paper and a filter. He begins rolling his own… medicine.)
Colin: Ohhhh, what you got there, friend?
Luke: Oh nothing. Just a little something to help with the force stuff. Rey and I have been using it a lot actually. Totally helps to keep you calm with the whole First Order, Kylo Ren thing going on.
Colin: Uh huh… I see. So this is a regular thing for you then? You don’t feel like it might hinder your reaction times or something like that?
Luke: (Chuckles slightly. At this point his medicine is being quickly consumed) My what?
Colin: Case in point. Okay, let’s just move on. I’ve got a few questions here that I wanted to ask you specifically, so let’s see. Oh, okay, here’s a basic one. Just what in the heck have you been up to over the years? No one’s seen on heard much from you since the battle on Endor!
Luke: (He stares at me for ten seconds before answering.) Well, you know, at first after everything that happened with my disciples and my school for the next generation of Jedi, I was feeling pretty bummed. I was like, ‘This galaxy totally sucks man.’ Like, I was thinking of just going back to drinking blue milk on Tatooine, you know, the farm life. But, then I thought about it and realized I hated the sand, so I decided to come out here and open up a commune for like-minded people—just a place where we could all grow our vegetables and raise livestock together and just live in peace.
Colin: I see, but up until recently and the arrival of Rey, you were out here by yourself. I mean, seemingly, she’s still the only other person on this whole planet? Why is that?
Luke: Well, I figured people would just flock here man, flock here like sheep. Get it? (He laughs) But yeah, weird. I know. No one showed up, I was over here like, ‘My doors always open, come get your farm fresh eggs and Dagobah coffee,’ but no one came.
Colin: It’s interesting you say that, because in talking with Leia and Chewie, they said they didn’t even have any idea where you were. Now this is your own sister saying this. Do you feel like you could have been more open with her about where you were going?
Luke: Hmmm. I mean sure. I could have, but, like, the universe works itself out man. It always does, always has for me. Look at my past. You know those Stormtroopers come down and mess up my Aunt and Uncle’s farm and boom! (Luke does a strange hand gesture here, reminiscent of an open mic night magician.) Next thing you know I’m playing virtual chess with Han Solo and talking to princesses. Things happen for a reason, you know?
Colin: I guess that’s true. I have to say, you seem to have a pretty positive attitude about all this considering everything that’s happened in your life. You could say it’s in your genes to lose your cool and all: the Darth Vader syndrome.
Luke: Oh, I mean there’s definitely moments where I’m seeing red, you know. Like if the cows don’t produce enough milk for me to have my gluten free Cheerios, I get pretty heated… Or if 3PO messes up my sugar/ creamer ratios in my Dagobah coffee. Things like that get to me pretty quick, but luckily I can do this!
Colin: (Luke extends his arm, and as if out of thin air a lightsaber flies across the field and lands comfortably in the palm of his hand.) Holy crap! That was awesome!
Luke: Thank you, thank you. Learned that one back on Hoth. S’just always good to have as a backup plan unless things get a little too crazy.
Colin: Yeah I suppose so. Haha. Okay, so just a few more questions for you here, then I’ll get out of your hair. I guess a big one is what’s next for you? Do you see yourself staying here in your commune forever, or do you feel like at some point you’ll return to help the galaxy against the First Order?
Luke: I mean of course I want to help, these are my friends and my family we’re talking about here, but maybe I could help them more by providing a safe refuge for them where they can come and just forgot about their troubles for a bit. Just hang around, play music and enjoy the positive vibes and energy.
Colin: Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds a bit like you’re running from your problems. You’re a legend. Some people today still think that you’re nothing more than a myth. What does the galaxy’s greatest Jedi have to be afraid of?
Luke: You’re totally being a buzzkill right now, man. And I don’t think I need to answer your question. Let’s just say you do my line of work long enough and you get exposed to some pretty terrifying things. I’m sorry, but I think it’s time for you to go. 3PO! Get over here and take this man back to his shuttle, and bring more coffee while you’re at it.
C3PO: Yes, Master Luke. Right away, sir. Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Colin. He can be a bit emotional at times.
(Luke has begun walking away, swinging his lightsaber wildly in the air around him like a child playing with a stick.)
CK: It’s okay, 3PO, he’s under a lot of stress. Coming back into the public eye after all this time has got to be pretty difficult.
3PO: Oh it is, sir, if I do say so myself. Right this way follow me.
In the walk back to my shuttle and the subsequent lightyear voyage back to my home and my office, I had some time to reflect on Luke’s answers and his actions. This didn’t seem to be the same Jedi that we had all come to know and love over the years—he was hardened, a bit more callous and using his new-found hobbies as a way to escape from all his negative feelings. Whether this commune of his is a legitimate interest, or a new found distraction is still up in the air. One things for sure, though: I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet another Vegan Jedi again.
(The views and opinions expressed in this article are completely my own. All representations of known characters are fictitious and ridiculous. This short piece was heavily inspired by animated shorts from Family Guy, South Park and other fantastic shows.)
Are you still a fan of Luke? He’s training Rey, right? Tweet me @Flagcap. And be sure to follow us @YouNerded.
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